Brick Dust

I remember that day you told me you had torn down your brick wall. And immediately I felt everything crashing in.  My mountains were crumbling on top of us both, and it was your fault.  And I started getting dizzy.  Maybe from what I was breathing in.
Your dust.  Your debris.
And I was laughing, too much.  Laughing so I wouldn't cry.  But, once the dust had cleared you saw that I had started to cry.  Crying from that dumb brick dust you left in my eye.

Are you crying?
No, there's just something in my eye.
Oh, ok.

Really, there's just something in my eye...  Too bad you didn't realized it was your dust.  Your dumb brick dust.  It must have been too dusty for you to realize you ruined my mountains.  All you cared about was your brick wall.  And that dumb brick dust.

I Hope

I HOPE
To live in the city.
To find Neverland.
To grow old.
To die in adventure.
To be a mystery.
To be figured out.
To trust.
To tell the truth.
To find truth.
To be alone.
To find myself.
To find you.
To always have you.
To be enough.
To be taller.
To stand out.
To be different.
To fit in.
To laugh a lot.
To cry.
To love.
To be loved.
To write letters.
To live in a Nicholas sparks novel.
To be a cat lady.
To live in the moment.
To always dream.
To never lose hope.

February 19th

I'm sorry for the last memory I have of you.  I'm sorry that it was me screaming at you.  

It's February 19th, and all I can think about is you.

Piggy back rides were the best.  You had gages in your ears.  They were the perfect size that I could look through them when you carried me around.  That was my favorite part.

Pretty, pretty princess.  I'm sure we played that game a lot.  And I'm sure once would have been too many times.  But, you played anyways.

Adventures.  You always took us on adventures. 

All I want right now is to see a picture of you.  But, I can't seem to find one.  There's not even a picture on your obituary.  I checked.  And, I keep looking at it thinking something will appear.  That hasn't happened yet.  But, I found something else.

February 19th.

That's the day you died.  No wonder you've been on my mind.  Thanks for the memories.

xoxo--Charlie L. Rose

I must have forgotten

I must have forgotten how to breathe.  Because I'm choking on the memory of you.

I must have forgotten how to live.  Because I'm sailing through the fog looking for the purpose.

I must have forgotten how to dream.  Because I'm stuck thinking too hard.

I must have forgotten how to trust.  Because I'm still keeping my secrets to myself.

I must have forgotten.  I forgot.  I forget.

Love

Love whispers.  Love talks, maybe even shouts.  But, I don't listen.
Love stays.  Love leaves, maybe even runs.  So, I don't wait.
Love helps.  Love hurts, maybe even breaks.  So, I don't watch. 
Love gives.  Love takes, maybe even steals.  So, I don't offer.

Stars

I remember looking at the stars with you.  I remember that day when my favorite stars had disappeared.  They were gone.  They were the same stars that were in your eyes, and they were gone too.  I figured they had blown up, maybe shattered like the glass in the window of your car. 

Then I saw you across the water.  You had that fishing pole your dad gave you, that one that you had never used before.  You were reeling in the line.  It wasn't a fish though, you hated fish. 


You were pulling down my favorite stars one by one.  And I don't know why. 

I was yelling at you to put them back.  You didn't though.  And I can tell you miss having stars in the sky.    And I miss the stars too.

Stains

Smearing crayons on the page.  Trying to make something beautiful.  Trying to find what I have lost. 
But it looks like a complete mess.  Just like my life, and my hands.


But, maybe far away hanging in a frame tilted slightly to the right it will look beautiful.  Maybe my life will look beautiful from a distance.  But, right now I'm just looking at my hands.  And I like the stains.


Maybe it's the things that just happen that are truly beautiful.   The things that we don't usually notice and wash away.  The unplanned.  The stains.

I'm Fine

I'm fine.  Those words are the worst to hear from you.  So short, so distant.


When I hear them coming from your mouth I can feel my lungs caving.  My heart crumbling.  My brain gets fuzzy with memories running through my head.  And it makes me lightheaded searching for the point when it all changed.  When you started lying.  When I started lying.




Because I can tell you aren't fine. 
I don't think anyone really is.


But it's fine.  I'm fine.