Sincerely

You are tearing me bit by bit.  I know you're not doing it intentionally, but I'm frayed and worn from catching you so many times.  There is only one thread that is keeping us both alive.  And I know if you fall again I just won't make it...and neither will you.  Being the reason you shatter will shred me more than even you could.  

So please fix me, replace me, or just stop falling. 

Sincerely, 
your safety net
Charlie L. Rose

Wonderings

• How many stars have exploded in that dark night time sky?
• How many people have I seen throughout my life?
• Why is college a thing?
• Why am I still in Utah?
• Why isn't ice cream healthy?  Calcium right?
• Why are some people so good looking?
• When am I going to die?
• How many potentially perfect moments have I missed?
• How many pictures am I in of people I don't know?
• How am I so awkward?
• Why is it so much easier to go crazy at stag dances?  All the same people are at every single dance...
• How much money would I have if I picked up all the change I found on the ground?
• Why am I still scared to talk to people I've known my whole life?
• When did I lose myself?
• What made you stop believing in what you always taught us?
• Am I actually living?
• Will we really always be friends?
• How do I forget about you?
• Why are we all so afraid of death?  
• What do you dream of when your mind takes a break from reality?
• Can we see the world together?
• Please?

Reasons

You ran a red light.  On purpose.
We hit a cat.  On accident.

She lost.  Because the judge.
They fixed it.  Because they tried.

He died.  For love.
We talked for hours.  For fun.

I didn't sleep.  Too much anxiety.
You left.  Too much to do.

She spoke.  With a purpose.
We were worried.  With a reason.

I was lost.  Without direction.
You gave comfort.  Without a word.

He failed.  By lack of effort.
I fell in love.  By mistake.

Deeper

I wish I would have listened to my bones.  Because they even shook at the thought of you.  

There is nothing about you that should make me continue to ache at the thought of you.  Nothing that should keep me loving you.  

It breaks my heart knowing I let you in.  I never expected you to make a home in my heart.  You were careless.  You've left splinters shredding at my heart and bricks holding it down into the pit of my stomach.  And you left that home abandoned.  You left my heart abandoned.   

But, you didn't just stop once you got to my heart.  I'm not sure how you made it so deep, but you planted yourself deeper than my bones.  You're planted at the center of my soul.  

You've shattered my bones, collapsed my mind, and filled my soul.  

I can manage these bones you've broken from the inside out.  
But please.  Please don't break my soul.
--Charlie L. Rose

Memories

The walk home alone was only worth it because the look you gave her was absolutely perfect.  There were so many jokes that were told, and the memories will continue to unfold.  The awkwardness has continued for days, and the laughs will do the same.  The stars were brighter than you, but at least your dream came true.  I apologize for what was said, but you just weren't using your head.    

The Peace

The peace brings the chaos.  And I know the words rest in peace were meant to be soothing, but they were anything but that.  And the fact that you are gone is not peaceful in the slightest.  Because you were the peace.  Now that you're gone I don't know where to go for the peace.  I don't know where to search for it.

I don't know where you are.

  

I've been constantly looking and I just can't seem to find you.  But, I will keep searching.  The search is what is keeping me alive, the chaos is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane.  It's hard to believe that it was those three words that started this search.  They are the words that made the chaos real.  Because those three little words have become too real.

rest in peace.

--Charlie L. Rose

Message To You

To the friend I used to know.
--I miss you.

To my brother.
--We don't get along anymore.  I'll try and fix that.

To my parents.
--I'll be better.  I promise.

To the neighbors.
--Sorry if I play my music too loud.  Also, sorry you witness awkward dancing in the kitchen daily.

To awkward dancing.
--I'm so glad we're friends.

To my friends.
--You are angels.  Thank you.

To my dream.
--Sorry I put you on hold.

To NYC.
--It's been too long.  Let's set a date.

To Summer.
--I'll see you soon.

To myself.
--I'll find you soon.

--Charlie L. Rose

Too Late

I'm afraid of your words.  I'm afraid of letting your words mean something.  Because that would mean that you would mean something.

That scares me.  Honestly, you scare me more than anything.  Even your name makes my heart shake.  Maybe that's just love.  Maybe I'm just terrified of that thing you called love.  But, I think I'm even more scared that I've already let your words seep into my soul.

It might just be too late to not let your words mean something. 
Too late to let you not mean something.  
It's way too late.  Way too late for that.

Be Real

For the sake of inconsistency. 
            real not surreal
Be something real.  Search for something real.  Say something real.  Do something that will really make you lose your breath.  Or lose your really ugly words.  Hell, lose your beautiful words too.  Take a real adventure.  An adventure that will really make you love your life.  Take a chance.  A chance that will really make your heart skip a beat.  Witness something beautiful, something horrible.  Something real.  

       Stop dreaming and getting lost in only the surreal moments.  Get lost in the real moments.  Because they are real, just like you should be.
For the sake of inconsistency.  This is real life.  Be real.
--Charlie L. Rose