Paris

we found it on a map.

there were words and pictures shared about that sacred place.

flights were booked.

flights were canceled.

some planes made it all the way, some crashed and were never found.

some people decided alpine was safer and didn't even check for a flight out of this place we've all called home.

there are some beautifully broken souls that have taken on Paris as if it was theirs from the very start.

those souls will never return.

those souls have found a place where they actually feel at home.

french is being spoken fluently.

english is broken in our utah bubble where we don't even pronounce the "t" in mountain.

those fluent french speakers have mastered their words in the language of their hearts.

Paris has been ignored.

Paris has been imagined.

Paris has been viewed.

Paris has been inhaled.

Paris has been stolen.

Random Real Talk

Real Talk.
My words are usually held at the back of my throat.  
My secrets I've had to keep are scraping holes in my heart. 
My pillow is stained with too many tears.  
My insecurities are spreading like wildfire and there doesn't seem to be enough water to stop it.
My regrets are plastered to the walls in my mind, sometimes I wish I could just move out of my mind.

Real Talk.
I asked my parents if I could move out when I was 15 because I hate Utah.  
I really love the mountains.
I hate the nutcracker music more than anything.
I love getting bruises, they make me feel like I accomplished something.

Real Talk.
I've had the same life plan for as long as I can remember.  
I'm terrified of the dream I have for my life.
I currently have major anxiety thinking about the future.

I didn't realize

I didn't realize that one page could cause a world of chaos.
I didn't realize that I let you down.
I didn't realize that our sanity was hanging on by a thread.
I didn't realize that it would matter.
I didn't realize that one day could be so heart consuming.
I didn't realize that my body held that many tears.
I didn't realize that we were both at our breaking points.
I didn't realize that you felt the way you did.
I didn't realize that I was as lost as I was.

I didn't realize.  I didn't realize.  I didn't realize.

i remember you

I remember how you missed my birthday every year.  I remember the crayons you sent me in the mail, and I remember how they were a melted mess by the time I got them. I remember forts and tents in the basement.  I remember playing hide and seek and Tony got stuck under my bed.  

I remember Hilary Duff.  I remember catching lizards.  I remember ants and the magnifying glass.  I remember hockey in the cul-de-sac.

I remember when crying was because I scraped my knee, not because I scraped my heart.  I remember visiting you in the hospital on your birthday.  I remember hearing you say that you were proud of me.  I remember hating all of your girlfriends.  I remember when you made a cake that tasted like soap.  

I remember when we would get along.  I remember you.

see you later

You taught us to be unique.

You showed us how to dance to our own beat.

You showed us love.

You taught us to breathe as one.

You made us whole.

You taught us to live with our souls.

You are what we strive to be.

You will always have a special place inside of me.

we dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.--Albert Einstein

Til we meet again.  Much love Lisa Dawg.  You have a beautiful soul.

xoxo--Quincie

BLACKOUT

draped across his chest was an idea, his motive in critical condition

How to Regret

1.Fall in love with something/someone.

2.Have a dream, set a goal.
3.Dedicate your time, your energy, your LIFE.

4.Stop.
5.Keep loving that person/thing.
6.Keep reminders.
7.Randomly check up.  Because you still love too much to move on.
8.Don't do anything about it.
9.Always keep a dream in your head of what should have been.

10.Be too scared to fix it.

11.Watch your dream come true for someone else. 
12.Hate yourself for giving up.

By now regret should be setting in.  
**In the case of no regret repeat steps 5-12.

100%

We talk about how real we are, but this whole time we have been hiding who we are.  People are fake with real names.  This semester we have been real with fake names.  It's time to be real with real names.  

Thank you for the reveal Nelson.  This last month of class is going to be 100% real, and I CAN'T WAIT.

--Charlie L. Rose
Quincie 

Worn and Faded

Oh Yes

Oh Yes--Charles Bukowski

there are worse things than

being alone

but it often takes decades

to realize this

and most often

when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than 

too late.

The simplicity and truthfulness of this poem is so beautiful to me.  

We have all been alone, but for some reason it terrifies so many of us.  We are preoccupied with the worry of being alone.  Worrying about something that can be beautiful.  We take so long to learn that being alone we can capture the beauty of the silence and emptiness that surrounds us.

The time we take to finally embrace being alone we lose the most valuable thing we have.  Time.  Time is limited.  Moments cannot be returned.  We have to enjoy the time we have before it is gone, before we are too late.  There's nothing worse than too late.

Unplugged

You've caused a power outage in my heart, and it's creeping into my soul.  I know you're upset.  You keep telling me it's too cold and dark in here.  You say my heart is cold and my soul is growing to be a darker and darker shade of black.

Please help me find a new light.  I've been looking just like you told me to, but it's hard.  It's hard to find light when I'm blindfolded and tied to this place. 

So, I hope you understand why I've given up.  

I'm sorry for giving up.  I'm sorry for not telling you.  I'm sorry that you found out.  I'm sorry you feel distanced.  I'm sorry you feel lied to.  I'm so sorry.  I take complete responsibility for that part.

I just hope you remember what started all of this.  

I hope you remember that you pulled the plug.

Sincerely

You are tearing me bit by bit.  I know you're not doing it intentionally, but I'm frayed and worn from catching you so many times.  There is only one thread that is keeping us both alive.  And I know if you fall again I just won't make it...and neither will you.  Being the reason you shatter will shred me more than even you could.  

So please fix me, replace me, or just stop falling. 

Sincerely, 
your safety net
Charlie L. Rose

Wonderings

• How many stars have exploded in that dark night time sky?
• How many people have I seen throughout my life?
• Why is college a thing?
• Why am I still in Utah?
• Why isn't ice cream healthy?  Calcium right?
• Why are some people so good looking?
• When am I going to die?
• How many potentially perfect moments have I missed?
• How many pictures am I in of people I don't know?
• How am I so awkward?
• Why is it so much easier to go crazy at stag dances?  All the same people are at every single dance...
• How much money would I have if I picked up all the change I found on the ground?
• Why am I still scared to talk to people I've known my whole life?
• When did I lose myself?
• What made you stop believing in what you always taught us?
• Am I actually living?
• Will we really always be friends?
• How do I forget about you?
• Why are we all so afraid of death?  
• What do you dream of when your mind takes a break from reality?
• Can we see the world together?
• Please?

Reasons

You ran a red light.  On purpose.
We hit a cat.  On accident.

She lost.  Because the judge.
They fixed it.  Because they tried.

He died.  For love.
We talked for hours.  For fun.

I didn't sleep.  Too much anxiety.
You left.  Too much to do.

She spoke.  With a purpose.
We were worried.  With a reason.

I was lost.  Without direction.
You gave comfort.  Without a word.

He failed.  By lack of effort.
I fell in love.  By mistake.

Deeper

I wish I would have listened to my bones.  Because they even shook at the thought of you.  

There is nothing about you that should make me continue to ache at the thought of you.  Nothing that should keep me loving you.  

It breaks my heart knowing I let you in.  I never expected you to make a home in my heart.  You were careless.  You've left splinters shredding at my heart and bricks holding it down into the pit of my stomach.  And you left that home abandoned.  You left my heart abandoned.   

But, you didn't just stop once you got to my heart.  I'm not sure how you made it so deep, but you planted yourself deeper than my bones.  You're planted at the center of my soul.  

You've shattered my bones, collapsed my mind, and filled my soul.  

I can manage these bones you've broken from the inside out.  
But please.  Please don't break my soul.
--Charlie L. Rose

Memories

The walk home alone was only worth it because the look you gave her was absolutely perfect.  There were so many jokes that were told, and the memories will continue to unfold.  The awkwardness has continued for days, and the laughs will do the same.  The stars were brighter than you, but at least your dream came true.  I apologize for what was said, but you just weren't using your head.    

The Peace

The peace brings the chaos.  And I know the words rest in peace were meant to be soothing, but they were anything but that.  And the fact that you are gone is not peaceful in the slightest.  Because you were the peace.  Now that you're gone I don't know where to go for the peace.  I don't know where to search for it.

I don't know where you are.

  

I've been constantly looking and I just can't seem to find you.  But, I will keep searching.  The search is what is keeping me alive, the chaos is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane.  It's hard to believe that it was those three words that started this search.  They are the words that made the chaos real.  Because those three little words have become too real.

rest in peace.

--Charlie L. Rose

Message To You

To the friend I used to know.
--I miss you.

To my brother.
--We don't get along anymore.  I'll try and fix that.

To my parents.
--I'll be better.  I promise.

To the neighbors.
--Sorry if I play my music too loud.  Also, sorry you witness awkward dancing in the kitchen daily.

To awkward dancing.
--I'm so glad we're friends.

To my friends.
--You are angels.  Thank you.

To my dream.
--Sorry I put you on hold.

To NYC.
--It's been too long.  Let's set a date.

To Summer.
--I'll see you soon.

To myself.
--I'll find you soon.

--Charlie L. Rose

Too Late

I'm afraid of your words.  I'm afraid of letting your words mean something.  Because that would mean that you would mean something.

That scares me.  Honestly, you scare me more than anything.  Even your name makes my heart shake.  Maybe that's just love.  Maybe I'm just terrified of that thing you called love.  But, I think I'm even more scared that I've already let your words seep into my soul.

It might just be too late to not let your words mean something. 
Too late to let you not mean something.  
It's way too late.  Way too late for that.

Be Real

For the sake of inconsistency. 
            real not surreal
Be something real.  Search for something real.  Say something real.  Do something that will really make you lose your breath.  Or lose your really ugly words.  Hell, lose your beautiful words too.  Take a real adventure.  An adventure that will really make you love your life.  Take a chance.  A chance that will really make your heart skip a beat.  Witness something beautiful, something horrible.  Something real.  

       Stop dreaming and getting lost in only the surreal moments.  Get lost in the real moments.  Because they are real, just like you should be.
For the sake of inconsistency.  This is real life.  Be real.
--Charlie L. Rose

Brick Dust

I remember that day you told me you had torn down your brick wall. And immediately I felt everything crashing in.  My mountains were crumbling on top of us both, and it was your fault.  And I started getting dizzy.  Maybe from what I was breathing in.
Your dust.  Your debris.
And I was laughing, too much.  Laughing so I wouldn't cry.  But, once the dust had cleared you saw that I had started to cry.  Crying from that dumb brick dust you left in my eye.

Are you crying?
No, there's just something in my eye.
Oh, ok.

Really, there's just something in my eye...  Too bad you didn't realized it was your dust.  Your dumb brick dust.  It must have been too dusty for you to realize you ruined my mountains.  All you cared about was your brick wall.  And that dumb brick dust.

I Hope

I HOPE
To live in the city.
To find Neverland.
To grow old.
To die in adventure.
To be a mystery.
To be figured out.
To trust.
To tell the truth.
To find truth.
To be alone.
To find myself.
To find you.
To always have you.
To be enough.
To be taller.
To stand out.
To be different.
To fit in.
To laugh a lot.
To cry.
To love.
To be loved.
To write letters.
To live in a Nicholas sparks novel.
To be a cat lady.
To live in the moment.
To always dream.
To never lose hope.

February 19th

I'm sorry for the last memory I have of you.  I'm sorry that it was me screaming at you.  

It's February 19th, and all I can think about is you.

Piggy back rides were the best.  You had gages in your ears.  They were the perfect size that I could look through them when you carried me around.  That was my favorite part.

Pretty, pretty princess.  I'm sure we played that game a lot.  And I'm sure once would have been too many times.  But, you played anyways.

Adventures.  You always took us on adventures. 

All I want right now is to see a picture of you.  But, I can't seem to find one.  There's not even a picture on your obituary.  I checked.  And, I keep looking at it thinking something will appear.  That hasn't happened yet.  But, I found something else.

February 19th.

That's the day you died.  No wonder you've been on my mind.  Thanks for the memories.

xoxo--Charlie L. Rose

I must have forgotten

I must have forgotten how to breathe.  Because I'm choking on the memory of you.

I must have forgotten how to live.  Because I'm sailing through the fog looking for the purpose.

I must have forgotten how to dream.  Because I'm stuck thinking too hard.

I must have forgotten how to trust.  Because I'm still keeping my secrets to myself.

I must have forgotten.  I forgot.  I forget.

Love

Love whispers.  Love talks, maybe even shouts.  But, I don't listen.
Love stays.  Love leaves, maybe even runs.  So, I don't wait.
Love helps.  Love hurts, maybe even breaks.  So, I don't watch. 
Love gives.  Love takes, maybe even steals.  So, I don't offer.

Stars

I remember looking at the stars with you.  I remember that day when my favorite stars had disappeared.  They were gone.  They were the same stars that were in your eyes, and they were gone too.  I figured they had blown up, maybe shattered like the glass in the window of your car. 

Then I saw you across the water.  You had that fishing pole your dad gave you, that one that you had never used before.  You were reeling in the line.  It wasn't a fish though, you hated fish. 


You were pulling down my favorite stars one by one.  And I don't know why. 

I was yelling at you to put them back.  You didn't though.  And I can tell you miss having stars in the sky.    And I miss the stars too.

Stains

Smearing crayons on the page.  Trying to make something beautiful.  Trying to find what I have lost. 
But it looks like a complete mess.  Just like my life, and my hands.


But, maybe far away hanging in a frame tilted slightly to the right it will look beautiful.  Maybe my life will look beautiful from a distance.  But, right now I'm just looking at my hands.  And I like the stains.


Maybe it's the things that just happen that are truly beautiful.   The things that we don't usually notice and wash away.  The unplanned.  The stains.

I'm Fine

I'm fine.  Those words are the worst to hear from you.  So short, so distant.


When I hear them coming from your mouth I can feel my lungs caving.  My heart crumbling.  My brain gets fuzzy with memories running through my head.  And it makes me lightheaded searching for the point when it all changed.  When you started lying.  When I started lying.




Because I can tell you aren't fine. 
I don't think anyone really is.


But it's fine.  I'm fine.

Stop Running

"And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.  Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs."  Daughter

Breathing.  The simplest.  The hardest to maintain.  Constantly running, constantly running out of breath.  Running from anything...from everything.  Running just to run.  Losing breath just to run.  And I hate running.

Stop running and just breathe.  Because we don't do that nearly enough.

This is not a race to the finish line.  But, we are the human race.
--Charlie L. Rose

introductions or something like that

I'm just the girl in the corner.  The girl that likes the corner because it's easier to disappear there.  I'm the girl that just wishes, wonders, and waits. 

Wishing I cared more.  Or maybe wishing that I cared less...I don't really know.  Just that girl that is constantly lost in a daydream.  Wondering how it could be...how it should be.  But, mostly I'm just that girl waiting.  Waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for something to change.  But, mostly I'm just waiting for you.
             

                                         I wish you wondered about the girl waiting for you.
--Charlie L. Rose